Recently, I have been binge watching videos on Codependency. Are we ready to fully understand why we participated in the toxic dance and how this all transpired?
According to Pia Mellody it is really called Codependence. However, Ross Rosenberg has renamed it, rather well I believe. He calls it, "Self Love Deficit Disorder."
In childhood, we are conditionally loved by a narcissistic/toxic parent or parents. We are raised by someone who loves us for what we do not who we are. How we make them feel about themselves is what we are used for. We are often punished for trying to think for ourselves and become sovereign beings. We are rewarded when we are compliant and complimentary to the abusive parent.
Many of us are in complete denial about having been raised in an abusive home. How could it be? "I was never hit." or "I was never sexually abused" and "my mother loved me so much she doted on me all the time and was extremely over-protective."
Hec, she told me that she loved me too much and, "that was my problem."
#FlawedByDesign
These are but 3 examples. It was shocking to me when I realized that my mother was my first narcissist. That the woman I was trusted more than anyone on the planet was actually my first and life-long enemy. For many of us, this is difficult or impossible to fathom. That does not make it any less true.
In order for us to heal, we have to understand what has happened to us, by whom and what role we play.
Once I woke up I had become aware that I had a pattern of being involved in unhealthy relationships. I started to dig deeper into my psyche and analyze why I was attracted to toxic people and how it all began.
In October of 2015, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was chatting with a friend of mine who happened to be a psychologist. I was very upset because someone had said something to me which felt like pity and I had exploded. I said, "HOW DARE SHE!!!" My friend being diplomatic said, "Yes, How dare she." Her tone was flat. Immediately I was drawn to my higher self, informing me that I was not really upset with this person, but that this person had triggered something from my past.
Who? What? Where? When?
I suddenly felt as if I was falling like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, I saw experiences and people from my past on either side as I fell further and further. I saw psychiatrists, hospitals, and health care professionals, I saw my exes, I saw strangers and school children and teachers. The memories just kept coming. My subconscious knew I was open and ready.
When I reached the bottom, I was at the very core of this issue, I literally fell to my knees. I felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me. A stomach punch to the solar plexus and I was dizzy.
I saw her. I saw my mother. There was no more rabbit hole, no other memories. It was she at the core of everything negative that had transpired in my life but what did it all mean?
Now I knew. It was time for me to analyze what this really meant. Asking myself the hard questions and be ready for the painful answers...
End of Part I
No comments:
Post a Comment