7 ABC's of Dating After Abuse - ALWAYS BE CAUTIOUS!

By C. Meagan Michael

1. Question everything!

   Take nothing for granted. If it sounds absurd or it feels (gut feeling) wrong, question it! If it is too     good to be true it probably is. This guy/girl seems like your "soul mate" they all do. That's their "shtick." A question is not the same as an accusation. In sales there are buyers questions and objections. They are not the same thing. Ask questions and listen for the answers.





2. Ask the hard questions

   They will cover up their lies with other lies if they have time to prepare. If you call them on
 something immediately that most people do not call them out on due to "manners," they will likely      LASH out an verbally attack you to redirect the conversation. They redirect the conversation. Their goal would be to "revisit" the  topic later when they are prepared or not at all. If they can undermine your sense of self and make you question your sanity they have won.

3.Let them answer for themselves don't spoon feed them the answers you want to hear

   We often make excuses for them. Instead of asking the hard questions we are embarrassed.When     they are somehow called to the carpet WE often take it upon ourselves to answer for them. To make   up in our minds a reasonable explanation for unreasonable actions. We do this because we are         accustomed to "fixing people" We would not want our Narc Mother/Father to suffer through an   embarrassing humiliation. We surely did not question her once we saw and lived through their toxic wrath. We are USED TO being lied to. We are essentially asking for it so that we do not experience cognitive dissonance. We want to be lied to so that everything makes sense to us.

4. Take is SLOW - avoid physical contact. It confuses things

 They WILL try to rush intimacy. Especially the somatic narcissists who use their bodies and sexuality as part of their tactic to manipulate and control you. SAY NO! This feels odd for many of us. We may not want to say no. When that occurs allow yourself to recall the abuse. The years of fear, insecurity, humiliation and worse. Is having sex right now essentially worth the rest of your life? Instead of selling your soul to the "devil" just say, NO!

                                                               5. Get to know them. 

If they are truly toxic you will be VERY grateful that you did not get closer. They are likely in some type of relationship with one or more people as this is how they glean narcissistic supply. If you think that toxic sex still sounds appealing... you still have work to do. Once you feel true self love, self worth and self respect you will never again allow others to disrespect you.
If someone is non-manipulative and really cares about you, their interest will not wane. They will WAIT forever if they have to... Aren't you worth waiting for?

6. Do not disregard little digs/insults/innuendos

Toxic people do not charm you and earn your trust by saying, "Hey you stupid bitch, happy to meet you, so I can suck the life right out of you!"

They do however, have a hard time hiding their contempt for us. Especially when the sense self confidence in us. Self confidence is toxic to them because they do not have any. They will say little things seemingly in jest. They use words that demean you they are condescending to you. Ie. Being called brat may seem cute at first. However, the person calling you a brat or something similar is simply feigning familiarity and testing your boundaries. If they are calling you any name at all right off the bat, it is definitely a sign of toxicity.

Brat today - Bitch tomorrow

7. Do Not disregard terms of endearment that FEEL like insults 

Words like "hun" and "sweetie" Are often not said with love. Especially by those who do not know us well enough to love us. They are often used by people who are trying to sugar coat some bad "medicine" that they are feeding you. Sugar coating something that they are going to say but do not want you to be offended by. They are lubing you up so they can stick you with something condescending. This is not because they care about your feelings. It is so they do not have to deal with the backlash of you standing up for yourself. This is what they never want... They want you do get used to being the submissive, subservient creature. This is not sexy. This is them treating as supply.

Being narcissistic supply is like being food for a cannibal. There is NOTHING in it for you. RUN!

Take back your power. Stay strong. You are not alone, you are worthy and you are loved.