by C. Meagan Michael
How people perceive us when we are ready and looking for help escaping our abusers. As well as how others perceive us when we HAVE escaped and are desperately seeking validation while experiencing memory loss, brain fog, and all the other symptoms often associated with Complex PTSD.
(CPTSD Is not yet officially recognized in the DSM as a disorder. That does NOT make it any less valid than the abuse that we suffered acquiring this variety of toxic symptoms.)
My friend recently told me that when she met me, which was may be 6 months after I escaped my ex abuser, moved to a new location that I had never been to and had ceased communication with friends, family and every one else from my past.
She told me I was jumping from one subject to the other. I know she is right. I knew I was doing it at the time and could not stop. I also remember not having any inner monologue. Whatever came to my mind came out of my mouth. I had not been "allowed" to speak to my ex at all for the last year or so. Now, I could not shut up. I believe this is called Forced Speech by doctors. My uncle (neuro psych and mom's brother) had told her she had that. Back then I didn't. Years later I did.
My memory was horribly effected. I needed help remembering things but had no one around that I could trust. In fact I didn't know anyone. I would reach out to people who "seemed" nice and "compassionate" only to find out that I had reached out to year another narcissist/toxic person who was love bombing me in order to find out my secrets and hurt me later.
I felt like a walking target. I did not understand why all these strangers "had it in for me." I felt paranoid. Was I? Was it really happening? No one to bounce these thoughts off of.
I began to watch conspiracy theory videos about gang stalking and big brother. I started to relate to them instead of rolling my eyes in judgement as I once would have done. I am not discounting the possibility of the reality of these things. I am however, of the believe that they did not apply to me and my life. I feel certain that all of this was based on my abuse and post abuse behaviors.
I had gone to a food pantry when I first got here. I was financially devastated and willing to do whatever I had to do to get back on my feet. I was invalidated in a big way at this place. Eventually they helped me pay a water bill but again.. I was treated so badly. I thought is was racism. I am a well spoken white childless woman in a predominately lower income black neighborhood. The women "helping" me were mostly women of color.
While I still feel discriminated against I learned something interesting that I need to share for your sakes. All of my adult life I have dealt with discrimination based on my diagnosis/disability. However, when you live on a fixed income or reside in certain areas there are other types of discrimination that happen. If you have not experienced this or know someone who has, it's very difficult to believe it exists. Much like abuse...
I was there yesterday with my friend. Circumstances as of late, (my pups emergency vet bills) have caused me to require assistance.
I found myself sitting in the woman's office. The same woman who treated me horribly in late 2014 when I tried to get a bag of food and she found every reason why I "didn't qualify." She was being dismissive and accusatory again. I'd barely sat down and was sorry I came.
I tried holding it together but as you know, trying is failing. Either you do something or you don't. I did not. The tears came flowing down. Suddenly I saw her expression change to one of curiosity and then compassion.
While the tears flowed I told her my story. My friend was in the outer office. She could hear what was going on but was not yet part of the conversation. I had asked her before and now again if I can ask my friend to join us. She did.
Thank God for this. I said things that gave my friend added credibility. She spoke to this woman from her heart about my situation. She knows everything I have been going through and was there.
THIS made all the difference in the world. Some one else had to speak for me. One would think because I am generally articulate and eloquent that I could do this for myself. However, this was not the case. This woman even told my friend what a huge difference she made. I am fully grateful to my friend. The behavior of the woman let me know just how toxic post-abuse really is.
All those feelings of paranoia. not so paranoid but caused inadvertently by the newly free and freshly abused!
For some reason, must be higher self, I divulged info that I had not planned. I mentioned that I have been off ALL psych meds for well over a year. This opened the flood gates. The woman starts saying how, "out of it" I was when I was there. I told her I had just escaped from 8 years of abuse. She said, "I know, I remember you said that."
In fact with all the people she sees in year, she recalled where I lived, what I had told her about the abuse and most of all my odd spaced out behavior.
I said that my friend standing next to me had mentioned something about that recently. They agreed. I felt very small suddenly as if the were speaking about me and not to me like my mother and ex had when we went to therapists or really anyone with ears who would listen.
When we left I told my friend I think this woman thought I was on drugs. That I was high? Regardless, she JUDGED ME. She sat behind her desk with the power to put food in my belly or to let me starve and she judged me. I did not fit into a stereotype in her head as to what normal was. She had done everything in her power NOT to help me.
My point here is to show you how other people judge the shit out of us when we are at our lowest. That other narcs and toxic people target us because we are weak and easy prey.
Like a wounded animal... they pounce on us. Attacking because they can. Regardless, of what position they are in. I am finding on my journey that a little power goes to a toxic person's head in a big way. I have had an issue now with 2 landlords and the woman in charge of rental assitance and the woman I just described.
Can they all be against me personally? No. How would that make any sense. Yet since I escaped and moved to this new place I have found myself surrounded by sharks in highly infested waters. Where are the other dolphin's and fishes.
Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!
We NEED these in order to change our lives. I have many healthy boundaries now. I have much self love now. I do not feel persecuted. I feel annoyed. I am not reacting in anger. I seek to understand,
Remember, knowledge is power and revealing is healing.
Karma will take care of all these people. We only need to take care of ourselves.
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