Yesterday someone close to me, who knows everything I am going through with my health issues and doctors appointments, someone I call friend, did something that upset me GREATLY! They told my personal business about my illness to someone who has been extremely toxic in my life. My "friend" knew I specifically did not want this person to know my health issues but she took it upon herself to tell her not to tell me she told her. (how juvenile!) I was very hurt and angry. I realized I was also very triggered by this betrayal because it was a major part of the narcissistic abuse that I dealt with all my life.
Apparently my being triggered, triggered a good friend of mine while I was venting to her. Some people are still so programmed to people please that being angry at someone, even if it is clearly not them you are angry at, triggers them badly. Then the begin to make excuses for the person who stabbed you in the back. I think this is done to "smooth things over" or "make things right" in their mind. but in reality all it does is totally invalidate the friend who is rightfully angry because someone has offended them.
Is this because PP's are triggered or pathologically fearful of any confrontation? Perhaps... it is done for self preservation?
It takes time to move away from pathologically trying to please everyone. I used to be like that and only now I see how toxic that is too. In it's own way just as toxic and self serving as narcissism.
When you are disregarding a persons feelings and trying to make them see how "wrong" they are or how wrong they could be just so YOU don't have to deal with any kind of confrontation or negative emotion, it's totally selfish!
People pleasing is all about "smoothing things over" and/or "sweeping them under the rug" so YOU don't have to feel. So you don' have to be triggered. So you don't have to stand up for ANYTHING. God forbid you take a side and say, "you are right" because that would mean the other person was "wrong" perhaps and you are unwilling/unable to do that. Perhaps you no sides but in fact play both sides telling each how valid their anger is and how you understand where they are coming from. Isn't this selfish too? If you would not want something done to you than playing the middle is completely insincere.
We are trained to be people pleasers. We have good hearts. We believe we mean well and are taking the high road but kissing people's asses. It can be a super power in the right circumstances but at other times it makes us weak. It allows toxic people to see that we are targets because they will not get any resistance from us. People who are too scared to stand up for themselves or anyone else. People who stuff their feelings and are proud because they seem to walk around happy all the time on the outside while inside them all these years of toxic emotions that have been stuffed deep down inside us... eat us alive from the inside out.
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